Humor Quotes - Page 84

Humor requires perspective. Perspective requires focus. Focus requires balance. Balance requires attention to the present moment. In the 'now' one is freed from labels. Success and failure, good luck and bad—they're all constructs of your mind.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Thirty millions, mostly fools.

The only thing I use my body for is to carry my brain around.

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Cats have no sense of humor, they have terribly inflated egos, and they are very touchy.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.