Humor Quotes - Page 87

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

I can't even tell you what else I imagined. I can only humiliate myself to such a degree; at a certain point it becomes humorous, and this story is not meant to be humorous. This story is meant to winch your ribs open and tamper with your heart. This story is meant to make you realize that your chances of happiness in this world are terribly slim if you lack a fine imagination.

I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

Humor is reason gone mad.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Reading is the basics for all learning.

Part of the reason for the ugliness of adults, in a child's eyes, is that the child is usually looking upwards, and few faces are at their best when seen from below.

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.