Humor Quotes - Page 85

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

People don’t like to be lectured to, but if you can make them laugh, their defenses come down, and for the time being they’ve accepted whatever truth is embedded in your humor.

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.

It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never quarrel with actions. My one quarrel is with words. The man who could call a spade a spade should be compelled to use one. It is the only thing he is fit for.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

What is your Self? Self is nothing but joy. A joyous person is definitely a person who has got his Self expressing through his joy. Such a person is so joy-giving, so humorous, and never degrading anyone.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I am afraid, far more widely distributed. But it has its value, I think. The hard and sordid things of life are too hard and too sordid and too cruel for us to know and touch them year after year without some mitigating influence, some kindly veil to draw over them, from time to time, to blur the craggy outlines, and make the thorns less sharp and the cruelties less malignant.

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.