Humor Quotes - Page 89

in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you

Shut the door, Wales.

One loses everything when one loses one's sense of humor.

The secret to humor is surprise.

The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor, because marriage throws you curveballs. It is not easy.

It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

Some women feel power is important, some women feel that looks are important, tenderness, intelligence...but sense of humor seems to permeate all of them.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

Marriage is the death of hope.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.