Humorous Quotes - Page 46

There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation, but there is not one so pleasant or practically humorous as that which supposes every man to be of equal value in its impartial eye, and the benefits of all laws to be equally attainable by all men, without the smallest reference to the furniture of their pockets.

I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so am I!

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor.

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

We had got as far as this, when who should walk in but the gentleman himself, who had been drinking his beer in the taproom and had heard the whole conversation. Who was I? What did I want? What did I mean by asking questions? He had a fine flow of language, and his adjectives were very vigorous.

And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.

One dumb-bell, Watson! Consider an athlete with one dumb-bell. Picture to yourself the unilateral development - the imminent danger of a spinal curvature. Shocking, Watson, shocking!

Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind, as you are aware, Watson, but my experience of life has taught me that there are few wives having any regard for their husbands who would let any man's spoken word stand between them and that husband's dead body. Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.

This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie.

I think you want a little unofficial help. Three undetected murders in one year won't do, Lestrade. But you handled the Molesey Mystery with less than your usual - that's to say, you handled it fairly well.

Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything that I can see with my naked eye.

I have my own views about Nature's methods, though I feel that it is rather like a beetle giving his

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

French name. English accent. American school. Anna confused.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.