Median Quotes

In the stand-up comedy top, there's room for everyone - if you're good, there's room for everyone. You'll put on your own show - no one casts you. You cast your own show as a stand-up comedian. When you get good at stand-up comedy you book a theater and if people show up, people show up. If people don't show up, people don't show up. You don't have a director or a casting agent or anybody saying if you're good enough - the audience will decide.

There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it.

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Look at what you could have won!

I could be a comedian. I could be a gangster. I could play all of those parts, even for the first time... I'm versatile.

I never really thought of myself as a sex goddess; I felt I was more a comedian who could dance.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Comedians and impressionists used to be two different showbiz animals entirely, but now there's no such thing as a comedian who doesn't do impressions.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.

Physics is very muddled again at the moment; it is much too hard for me anyway, and I wish I were a movie comedian or something like that and had never heard anything about physics!

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.