Joan Rivers Quotes

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.