Chelsea Handler Quotes about Funny - Page 2

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.