No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.
When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.
