If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
The average permanent lasts about four months.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
