Dennis Miller Quotes

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.