Dennis Miller Quotes - Page 2

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.

Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.