Dennis Miller Quotes - Page 3

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want, i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten over the last couple of years, being humbled or be it being humbled and see the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside of the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants but a great wonk job.