Doug Stanhope Quotes - Page 3

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.