Doug Stanhope Quotes - Page 4

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.