Doug Stanhope Quotes - Page 2

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.