Evan Esar Quotes - Page 6

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired [talking].

You can tell a man's taste in literature by his judgment in knowing what not to read.

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.

The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

All work and no pay makes a housewife.

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.

Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.

The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.

In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.