Fred Allen Quotes - Page 2

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

The world is a grindstone and life is your nose

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.