Fred Allen Quotes about Funny

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.