Fred Allen Quotes - Page 3

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.