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Jay Leno Quotes - Page 18

All Quotes Age Apology Beach Blame Cheating Children Clinton College Comedy Cooking Country Dad Dating Divorce Earth Easter Eating Economy Energy Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Genius Giving Giving Up Global Warming Golf Halloween Hate Healthcare Heart Hell Holiday Home House Hurt Husband Inspirational John Kerry Justice Liberty Life Listening Los Angeles Losing Lying Math Military Money Morning Mountain New Year Office Osama Bin Laden Palin Past Politics Prayer Reality Running Safety School Sleep Smoking Son Sports Students Suffering Taliban Taxes Team Terrorism Today Training Vacation Victory Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Work Out Worry Writing

This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week.

This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week.

Kids, Guy, Three

When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States.

Reality, President, United States

President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.

People, President, Today

Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Summer, Phones, Numbers

Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.

Coffee, People, Quality

President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?

Teacher, Team, Teaching

Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.

Corruption, Retiring, Plans

Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.

Two, Arrogance, Hot

Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.

Dollars, Healthcare, Raised

The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans.

Philosophy, Meat, Fur

Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.

Pants, Pairs, Spandex

Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.

Easter, Eggs, Philippines

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

Security Guards, Gas Stations, Hiring

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!

Sports, Hurt, Cities

Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'

Upset, Hey, Body

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!

Men, Numbers, Video

General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections.

Country, Winning, Hey

Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house.

House, Acres, Bigs

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

Fun, Thinking, White

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.

Israel, America, People

Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.

Cnn, Wife, People

Kerry is saying that Bush never showed up for his national guard duty ... and now Bush is on the attack. He's accusing John Kerry of ducking time in the national guard by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam.

Vietnam, Hiding, Accusing

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years.

Congratulations, Italian, Winning

"The Tonight Show", July 11, 2006.

Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".

America, Waiting, President

"The Tonight Show", January 19, 2009.

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"

America, President, China

"The Tonight Show", April 19, 2006.

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