Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 8

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.

I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.

I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

Cancer is always funny.

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.