As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
I don't see myself as offending people.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
