Jimmy Carr Quotes - Page 2

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

How many airports are there in the world?