Jimmy Carr Quotes - Page 3

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.