Joan Rivers Quotes about Husband

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.