Joan Rivers Quotes about Funny

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Better laid than never.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Never floss with a stranger.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.