Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
Eve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.”
When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!
Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!
Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!
Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You're a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
