Humor Quotes - Page 99

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.

Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.