Humor Quotes - Page 98

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

I think you really have to tap into your sense of humor in order to survive.

He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

Education always continues. We all know that beauty fades, but what stays is a person's personality, their sense of humor, their wit, what they're interested in. That's what really shines.

Brits have a better sense of humor in most ways. It's darker, more cutting.

I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating.

No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

Don't pay any attention to the critics; don't even ignore them.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!