Humor Quotes - Page 81

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

The humorous look of children is perhaps the most endearing of all the bonds that hold the Cosmos together. Their top-heavy dignity is more touching than any humility; their solemnity gives us more hope for all things than a thousand carnivals of optimism; their large and lustrous eyes seem to hold all the stars in their astonishment; their fascinating absence of nose seems to give to us the most perfect hint of the humour that awaits us in the kingdom of heaven.

As young Americans, you have an important responsibility, which is to become good citizens.

What year did Jesus think it was?

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.