Humor Quotes - Page 79

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

I don't believe you really know God if you do not recognize His sense of humor.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

Humor is the shock absorber of life; it helps us take the blows.

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

I consider myself a relatively moral guy

There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.