Humor Quotes - Page 80

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

Facts are the enemy of truth.

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

Splendid couple - slept with both of them.

Of all the band of personal traitors the sense of humor is the most dangerous.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

I like the brooding man - a brooding man with a sense of humor.

No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.

Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

What you want in an interview is four things: You want someone who can explain what they do very well, who can have a sense of humor and hopefully is self - deprecating, who has a bit of a chip on their shoulder, and passion. If you have passion, a chip on the shoulder, a sense of humor, and you can explain what you do very well, it doesn't matter if you're a plumber or a singer or a politician. If you have those four things, you are interesting.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog's tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important. I developed a sense of humor.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.