Humor Quotes - Page 82

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.