Humor Quotes - Page 78

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

A fox should not be on the jury at a goose's trial.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!