Humor Quotes - Page 90

Doing is better than not doing, and if you do something badly you'll learn to do it better.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

My mother was the making of me.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Clones are people two.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

The speed of time is one second per second.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

I mean, yeah, I'm sure that Python and the other things have paved the way for a greater understanding of the British sense of humor, but I don't think it's all that different than the American sense of humor.