You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet.
I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces.
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old but that one is young.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.
The principal purpose of the Democratic Party is to use the force of government to take property away from the people who earn it and give it to people who do not.
Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
