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David Letterman Quotes - Page 11

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I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.

David Letterman
Comedian, Mind, Arrogant
"David Letterman's 1984 Playboy Interview. A Candid Conversation with the Comedy Genius In His Youth". Playboy Interview, playboysfw.kinja.com. April 3, 2014.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

David Letterman
War, Thinking, Appreciate

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

David Letterman
Comedian, Horrible, One Thing
"New Again: David Letterman". Interview with Pat Hackett and Kenzi Abou-Sabe, www.interviewmagazine.com. April 9, 2014.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

David Letterman
Moving, White, House

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

David Letterman
Tortillas, Chipotle

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.

David Letterman
New York, Rats, Today

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.

David Letterman
New York, Tired, Yankees

A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

David Letterman
Jobs, Thinking, People

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

David Letterman
Believe, Government, Oil

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

David Letterman
Couple, Kids, Program

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.

David Letterman
Gay, Ebola, Years

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.

David Letterman
Education, Comedy, States

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

David Letterman
Iowa, People, Driving

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

David Letterman
Sex, New York, Drug Use
"David Letterman's 1984 Playboy Interview. A Candid Conversation with the Comedy Genius In His Youth". Playboy Interview, playboysfw.kinja.com. April 3, 2014.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

David Letterman
Opportunity, Kale, Trying

Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.

David Letterman
Mother, Law, People

I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

David Letterman
Waiting, Cabinets, Trump

Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

David Letterman
Running, Promise, President

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.

David Letterman
Believe, Kids, Alaska

How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.

David Letterman
California, Guy, Election

Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at [email protected].

David Letterman
Apples, Secret, Email

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.

David Letterman
Good Luck, Thinking, President

Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.

David Letterman
Running, President, Publicity

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

David Letterman
Fun, Years, Guy

Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.

David Letterman
Worry, Flesh, Wounds
David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

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