Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
