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David Letterman Quotes about Funny

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Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, Purpose

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

David Letterman
Funny, Dog, Travel

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

David Letterman
Funny, Sex, Animal

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

David Letterman
Funny, New York, Humor
David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman
Funny, Math, Science

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

David Letterman
Funny, Son, Night

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman
Funny, Dance, Witty

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

David Letterman
Funny, Humor, Fields
David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman
Funny, War, Humorous
"Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, New York
"Late Show with David Letterman",

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, Eye

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, Night

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

David Letterman
Funny, New York, Humor

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, Iraq

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

David Letterman
Funny, Travel, Land

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

David Letterman
Funny, Father, Team

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

David Letterman
Funny, Humor, Association

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

David Letterman
Funny, New York, Humor

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

David Letterman
Funny, Horse, Stars

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

David Letterman
Funny, Country, Winning

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

David Letterman
Funny, Running, New York

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

David Letterman
Funny, Wind, Guy

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

David Letterman
Funny, Retirement, Plans

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, Writing

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

David Letterman
Funny, New York, Moving
David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

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