Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.
Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.
Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.
Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.
I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.
An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.
Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.
Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.
Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.
You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.
How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.
Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.
New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.
Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.
You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.
Let me just say this: You know your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I told you there would be more lewd photos'.
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'
