Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.
St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.
I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.
I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
There are so many flavors of Coke now - Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they've just brought out another new flavor - Coke with Pepsi.
There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.
The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
I'm nothing if not an optimist.
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.
Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
