Authors:

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

Jay Leno Quotes - Page 26

All Quotes Age Apology Beach Blame Cheating Children Clinton College Comedy Cooking Country Dad Dating Divorce Earth Easter Eating Economy Energy Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Genius Giving Giving Up Global Warming Golf Halloween Hate Healthcare Heart Hell Holiday Home House Hurt Husband Inspirational John Kerry Justice Liberty Life Listening Los Angeles Losing Lying Math Military Money Morning Mountain New Year Office Osama Bin Laden Palin Past Politics Prayer Reality Running Safety School Sleep Smoking Son Sports Students Suffering Taliban Taxes Team Terrorism Today Training Vacation Victory Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Work Out Worry Writing

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.

Hurt, News, Investing

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.... Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That's got to be some good eating a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew.

Redneck, Hunting, Men

Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.

Halloween, Kids, Apples

In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons.

Football, Team, Player

According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president.

Book, School, Mean

The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now using snowplows to run over dissidents.

Running, Army, Ideas

Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I'm glad we have a president that can read.

Eight, Years, President

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

Oil, Middle East, Rising

Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling people he cares, everything is going to be great, forget about everything he did in the '70s. Hey, it worked for George Bush.

Night, People, Hey

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job.

Jobs, President, States

Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding.

Dollars, Irs, Warren Buffet

(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.

Opposites, People, President

President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.

Country, Names, Political

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

Funny, Believe, President

"Scarborough Country" with Joe Scarborough, www.nbcnews.com. May 19, 2006.

I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.

Wall, Office, Trying

Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.

Interesting, Freshman, Figures

The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

Jobs, Mean, White

Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.

Sound, Hussein, Osama Bin Laden

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.

Easter, Nice, Eggs

Congratulation s to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.

Congratulations, Moving, Order

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

Eight, Years, Two

George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election--low score wins.

Golf, Winning, Election

I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.

Car, Noble, Claire

In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million?

Enron Scandal, Calling, Whistleblowers

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Mean, Divorce, Years

You May Also Like: