Karl Pilkington Quotes

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

If you can't do it, don't do it.

I saw a bee have a heart attack.

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.