Lenny Bruce Quotes - Page 2

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Every group, every system has a set of values and morals and when you get outside those, then the alarms ring. I was politically incorrect to 95% of the country; luckily my 5% had the bread to come see me.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is what should be. Now, if you're taught to live up to a what should be that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this should be - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.