He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
