Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
