A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
