Funny Life Quotes - Page 3

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

We are all here on earth to help others.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Life's more amusing than we thought.

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

I tried to be normal once... worst two minutes of my life.

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

There is properly no history, only biography.