Funny Life Quotes - Page 2

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Life is a near-death experience.

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

A mother is the best friend God ever gave.

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.